a new chapter of my life

say what? am i really writing in my blog again?! hahaha.. cool. i'm going be in college soon, and i'm thrilled. grr..yipee. my mom gave me her grad gift aready..actually, it's a gift for my debut too. but it's ok, coz it's kinda expensive. hehehe

orange! bakit kaya?! hmm.. it should be yellow, 'coz my next school's color is dilaw. yup, got that right. dilaw..ust na toh! hahaha hmm.. what am i feeling right now? i'm kinda relieved coz i know that i'm going to graduate. whoa, like evrything happened so fast. can't believe that in three days, i'm gonna be leaving the school tha made me a better me. yes, i am sad. but i am really excited that soon, i'll be in college. about..HIM..not him, him..but him down here, i really think that it's better like this. at least, i'll be open to ne things. and one more thing, i need to fix my life first, and i have to give time to my friends without being too guilty that i'm not paying any attention to him.  other than that, i'm really happy. i'm so loving my family right now, and my life. maybe, in time, we'll be together again. we will..i know. it is just not the right time..  well.. grrr. now i am feeling really guilty.. the pangs of guilt. hahaha.. how sick my mind is.

the motif was pink, it was really an emotional occasion. normally, weddings make me really sleepy and all, but this one's different. maybe because i am a "friend" of the groom. They're like my real uncles,he and his brothers, and they made my childhood days really special. Speaking of pasts, i met my childhood friend, Janine, yesterday. After 14 or 13 years of waiting, i finally saw her! I was thrilled..and we were both happy to see each other again. Like 13 years didn't pass. We are so comfortable with each other, and i really hope that we can go out again. Memories and happy moments struck me yesterday as i saw people from Cento. That was where i spent my childhood days. And now, how time flys so fast, i'm going to graduate high school already. And when i think about graduating, I feel really sad. It's like going to another world that you are unfamiliar to. But i'm quite excited. I'm just really sad that i have to part ways with friends and all. New chapters, new beginnings. Well, good luck!

So now, where do I start? Grad was really something that I would remember for the rest of my life. Before my grad, my mom and I had a very big fight. It was like, “Can I just have my grad first before all of you kill me for not doing something I should have done last year?” I even thought of going to my grad by commuting because my mom wasn’t finished with her haircut, and I have to be at school by two!! I was really pissed off, and she was too. REALLY!! When we were already in the car, she was like saying all the good things she had done for us, and how bad we are. Well, somehow, I understood what she felt. I felt really bad, but still I hoped my dad was there to fix everything for us. If my dad was alive, he should have already taken me to my grad and all. And this thought struck me when all the things were happening, “I wish my dad was alive. And he should have seen me walk through that aisle and see me march for my graduation. How I wish..” Well, at school, I was crying non-stop! I didn’t know what to do! And I felt really sad because EJ couldn’t come because he needed to do the thing I was supposed to do so my mom would both forgive us. So when I saw him, and he was looking for me, I wassurprised and overwhelmed. I thought it was over, our feud, I mean, but it hasn’t stopped. Normally, after graduation you eat dinner with your family and celebrate. But instead, I went to the despedida of Ej’s teammate. And yes, I was out of place because of what I am wearing, and another, because I’m not close to that person! Nakakahiya!!! Sympre..I can’t do anything but smile and say I’m ok. Away na naman pag nagreklamo pa ko. After that, I went to Mallows’ party..said hello, and goodbye for I still have to wake up early the next day. Cabanatuan is the place to be.. After that long day, I was ready to face another day…and yes, with my mom.

March 20, 2005

It was a better day than yesterday, everything was back to normal. Now, I just have to deal with 3 hours of travel and all that fuss. I slept halfway and I’m glad I did. And somehow, the trip made me reminisce on the trips I had in the past. One trip that I will always remember is our trip to palawan. That was really a nice memory that you can always recall. We went there during the holy week. Holy Week=Reflect and pray=Online Journal!

 

…And now, I am about to venture on a new life, and I’m so finished with high school life. But the memories I had during my days being a high school student, will always be in my heart Wow, it’s been four years and it seemed that nothing has changed between me and my grade school friends. I saw them last night, and it was really a blast seeing them at Camille’s debut. Imagine that, all my classmates are turning 18 and I am too. <I don’t want to turn18, can I be 13? Please..??> * Back to reality * For the past 18 years of my life, I feel like I’ve been in earth for such a long time. I didn’t expect that I’m going to be alive for so long. I am sorry if my journal is confusing your minds. I too, cannot very well express what I’m feeling right now. Happy, yet sad. Happy because I have finished one chapter of my life, sad because I’m going to face the real “Real World”. And I still can’t believe it that I survived 18 years and how many days? <you do the math> days of different kinds. Days that I feel so low, days that were like milliseconds because of the happiness it brought in my life..and the days when I wished to die. And the days when I tend to regret the bad things I’ve done. But who are we to erase the past?! Those mistakes that we’ve done in the past were the ones who made a better us right now. Right?

Faith? What is it really all about? Do I have faith? I do, I think so. I believe that there is a God. And I believe that He has His reasons. I feel terrible for not doing anything to repay His goodness. I am a sinner, for we all are. I hate it when I know I can be someone who can have a lot of faith yet I don’t become such a good Christian. The last time I solemnly prayed was like a month ago. I am really in a world of confusion. I am in search of myself. I forget to reflect on the things I have done. And, sometimes, I really don’t know who I really am. We get too busy with all the earthly things we do, and it makes us a monster that destroys us. And those monsters put a façade for people to see, when you, yourself know that underneath all the good things people see in you, there’s a monster within you. I haven’t been true to myself for such a long time. And now, that I am slowly expressing what I really feel; there’s a streak of light that made all the difference in my dark soul. I have been wandering for such a long time and I haven’t found my real haven. But knowing that I have a family that stands by me no matter what, friends that are there to guide me, and a loving God that forgives me whenever I become a monster..i know that somehow, and in a way..i’ll survive the world and the reality that we live on.

i hate myself!! why do i have to be so selfish?! ej, i'm so sorry that i couldn't lend you my phone for just a while because you're sister is so selfish that she even couldn't stand herslef! ugh!! i hate being me..i hate my selfishness!! i hate this! i hate being like this.. i'm sorr. i really am.. i'm going to give you all you want.. I'm sorry.

 what i reflected on when we went out to visit 7 churches..

I am not worthy of God’s love. Just now, He gave me another chance to change. And He showed me how good people are. I almost forgot my phone in the Nativity, a church near Giselle’s place. I was dumbfounded when I saw that there was nothing left on the seat that I have just left a while ago. The lady seated at the back saw me like that so she simply asked if that was my phone. I was so thankful that they were the ones who found my phone. People are so nice. And somehow, the face that I have seen earlier is so familiar that I know, that I have met them somewhere. Oh well. I hope I can repay the good deed they have done. But I know that the good Lord would appreciate what they have done and bless them with so much more. So now I feel guilty. If God really wanted me to suffer, He should have let someone take my phone. But no, He knew that my conscience will be bothered so much if a good deed has been done. Urgh! I hate myself! I just don’t know how to start. I mean, I think I do know how to start. I just forget about things that I need to do. Another thing. I am such a coward. I don’t know how to stand up for myself and defend myself. I am too scared that if I do something that would make me look like Satan’s li’l girl, I won’t do it. I’m so over being such a people pleaser. I just want to be true to myself. I know that I am not pleasing Him with the things I have done for the past year. I have to strive harder!! I have to, or else…I’ll surely burn in hell!!

   

 

Friends? Friendships?! Define friendship. Can you? I can’t. Well, somehow, it’s more important than “THE RELATIONSHIP”. The relationship when you are committed with a guy that you think that you are in love with. It is different. Friends, you’ll always have. Boyfriends, I hate to say this, but they give you stress and all that. It’s hard to maintain a commitment with a guy whom you say you are in love with, rather having friends. When you have friends, you have fewer quarrels and more fun. But the unlikable side of it is that you can’t have someone special. They all are friends. Just friends. And I think I am ready for just friends. I’m young, and I want to find myself first before going into that kind of relationship. Yes, you can’t stop yourself from falling in love, but having focus on your life would make you understand that there a lot of things that you need to do before going interested in having a boyfriend.

ang weird!! anlabo.. haai. grr.. i dunno what to do. i can't remember the song i heard dun sa "joan of arcadia" and i dunno the title of the movie that i've juts watched. ung movie ni dakota and brittany.. urgh!