I am loving jazz right now. The first time I appreciated jazz was when I heard hourglass, then I realized that it was so great and fascinating when we watched a musical recital by some students of the conservatory of music last Thursday. Speaking of last Thursday, I was really, uber, oh so sobra had fun. Despite the not-so-likable-situation I was in. Don’t want to talk about it anymore. Anyway, I heard a jazzy remake of tattooed on my mind. I liked it! A lot.. and this inspired me to write and update my blog. jazz makes me feel relaxed. And it makes me feel good about everything. But it also reminded me of a very dear friend. I just wish I could talk to her. But I can’t. I want to, but circumstances seem to stop me from doing so. I just miss her badly. Knowing that I’ve been close to her and that I know that she really was someone that I could call a friend.. It’s sad that now, things seem to be a lot different. Note to self: Ria, things, people change. IT is the only thing that is constant in this world. You just have to accept the fact that sometimes, you can’t fix things on your own. you can’t dictate on what you want people to feel, to see, to believe. It is up to them, if they trust you enough. And if they have the slightest confidence in what you have to say or do.You have to let them be on their own. You cannot please everybody. You just have to let fate take its course. Whether you like it or not, you have to deal with it. Have to deal with it?! Hmm.. Yeah, the world wouldn’t stop from rotating if someone has this huge problem.. like losing a friend. Ugh.. Or when you know that tomorrow, your whole class would be in big BIG trouble because you left your professor’s class and didn’t wait for her for 20 mins when you know that it should only be 15 mins. Grace period and everything.. Or you need to have the requirements you can’t produce in a day, or flunk a subject even if you know that u tried your best to get good grades, or get addicted to some kind of vice, etc. The world has a lot to offer, good/bad things. I am not complaining. I know that the things that we have to go through would be the things that we would remember. Plus, I don’t have time to agonize on things. Suffering is on how we take it. We suffer our own consequences, and we have to accept the fact that we are the only ones responsible for our lives. We are the ones to choose whether we would be happy or not. Good thing I have this outlook in life, I wouldn’t be able to go through each day with out this kind of attitude. And of course, without God and the special people in my life.

2:50 am

finally.. i'm not into the "death" thing anymore. i mean.. i'm happy to be alive. why?! 'coz now ,i look forward on what's going to happen tomorrow, or ten years from now. due to my insanity, death before was a fascination. something i dream about<literally and figuratively> the last 6 or 5 months of my 2005, i dreamt of my loved ones and myself dying.. or someone has died. it didn't really freak me out though.. i was a li'l scared but i know now that death is a natural occuring thing. nothing can stop it.. we just have to accept the fact that we are all going to die.. sooner or later. so why waste it on worrying? or stressing yourself out on things that need no attention. ahahaha.. go on ria.. reverse psychology would be a big help. anyway..

what's with the title?! haha.. i am.. so in love. that's why i think this way.. this is a different kind of love. something that i know that wouldn't stop.. something that i believe in. 'coz i have friends <who loves me dearly>, family <who looks out for me>, and someone, who i can say made me more worthy.. and of course.. i have God with me.

fine.. i can't erase all my negative emotions/frustrations/angst/etc, but they are all part of life. handle it, and you'll fastly be done with it. clinging isn't good.. living in the past isn't good either.. better start living my life now, right?!

it's not like i have to do everything.. one single step at a time. i can't change the world that fast.. haha. i just hope that i could be a better person, not only for myself.. but for others as well. i may need help.. but a lot of people are in need of much more help than i do. start helping.. start patching things up.. being optimistic.. having faith.. loving.. and believing.

new day.. new start.. positive outlook.. positive outcomes.

oh by the way..

nel, thaks for making me this happy.  

I’m stuck here, and if somebody wouldn’t stop me from killing myself, im kidding,  I’ll commit suicide. Hahaha.. I’m so desperate. Sheeshh, how could I be so dang stupid dang.. funny. Weird expressions.. weird words. Still haven’t uploaded photos in my multiply site. The fun memories at ek and at ecka’s luau. Wow. Fun. Last time I had fun was last Sunday. Haha.. I have to get out of this house!! I’m gona be so freakin’(oh I’m sorry, t’was supposed to be friggin..hahaha) insane if I don’t!! I know I have to do some stuff that requires me to stay at home, but come on!! It’s Saturday! And I need some time off. Sick and tired of going to school and laughing for like, 5 mins?! Couldn’t even bare to smile. Been so cranky and so moody. Ugh.. I hate the feeling. Being grounded is fun.. yeah right. Sickening. That’s why I like daria! Huh?! Confused? I am too! Don’t worry, I’m so not myself right now. I should have been in an asylum or something. Paranoia.. Depression.. Feeling extreme emotions. Weird huh?! I like myself right now. Nah!! Hating people.. Loving ‘em. Haha, what’s with me?! What’s with you?! Oh no.. why am I like this? There’s definitely something wrong with me. Or you.. Attended mass yesterday morning. Couldn’t help to feel so sad for myself.. I haven’t learned anything. Stupid me. Hahaha. No, ok seriously.. the moment that I was alone and was in a sacred place.. I felt safe. No worries. Really?! Or I just believed it so that I wouldn’t be distracted and would be able to listen to the priest’s sermon? Don’t care. How am I able to live like this? Being such a cold-hearted and b*tchy person?! Gawd. Is this really me? I’m so tired of being myself. Can I switch places with you? So I’d know how you feel? So I’d know how I’ll be able to be such a mean person like you?! Haha.. angst against.. hmm. Figure it out.. Does it hurt? I didn’t mean to hurt you. Guilty?! Hate me! Hate me for being such a nice person. Hate me for being such an annoying little brat. Who am I talking to? You know who you are. Am I really mad? I’m just playing with your head. Believable is it? I’m tired already. I just miss my friends. I just miss talking to them. Miss spending time with them. I’m so sorry mommy.. hahaha.. paawa effect. I’ll understand someday.. but right now.. ugh!! I hate staying at home.. Panget.. miss you. I’m sorry

so i'm here at our comp lab waiting for my prof to give us what to do. 3 hours? dang.. ahaha. i so miss evryone. haai.. these past few days, i feel good. surprisingly, with all the fuss that's been going around. i'm still am very upset on the way people judge me. ugh.. if they only knew. but somehow.. i don't care. as long as someone believes me.

will i confess evrything.. every little detail to my mom? ahaha.. somehow.. hindi.. hindi din.

haai..

ria.. i so love you. hahahaha ) corny.. whatever you're going thru, remeber i'm still here. kulang lng sa usap.

 

panget.. hope you'll see this. mwah!

 

Neon lyrics

Your smile drives me freezing Snow throws it away You're the laughter in my silence The crow that keeps me awake Green towel less soft spoken The thoughts you never knew The lies and empty promises I gave them all to you How does it feel? How is it that i can feel? Coz i, i need to know Coz i, i know i can never be enough To replace your one ever And i, i think it's shiny and blue Like an instant see-through Coz i, i know i can never be enough To replace your one ever Now everything is silent, Everything is still without you near Everything about you The world was something new And i was there at the open Well just to be with you But every time i see the shelter Every time i walk away You're the laughter in my silence The call that feeds my day How does it feel? How is it that i can feel? Coz i need to know Coz i, i know i can never be enough To replace your one ever And i, i think it's shiny and blue Like an instant see-through Coz i, i know i can never be enough To replace your one ever Now everything is silent, And everything is still without you near And every time i see you passing by I will stay here waiting for you And i will talk to myself On a lazy sunday afternoon And i'll still say that prayer for you I'll be your everything, god knows me I'll try to be so perfect you'll see But nothing can compare to you Whatever lies out there There's no one here There's no one here

sem break's gonna be over soon.. haven't done anything productive. hmm.. but i'm really happy i was able to spend time with some of my friends. i have this weird thought or a question that's bugging my mind. would my friends.. or the people i thought who are my friends visit me when i'm already dead? would they go to my wake?.. would they even care to stop what they're doing and think of the things we did together and say that i am someone that is worth visiting (when already dead). haha.. funny, yet.. i dunno. but if i'm going to be asked about this or be told that someone i know and is close to me have died,.. i would definitely..definitely say that i won't be able to talk to anyone for i dunno how many hours. people are so important to me, even those who i rarely talk to.. for me, simple things are really appreciated and that's why if someone has done me a small favor or made me laugh or just said hi sincerely.. i consider her as someone that once touched my life in a special way. mababaw a kung mababaw.. my pagiging mababaw is the reason why people like me and hate me at the same time. i'm easy to please.. but i get to think shallow at times too. and sensitive.. ambabaw ko nga naman. small things make me happy, and small reasons make me sad or angry.

haai Lord. I just thank God for everything. me being here, me having all the things i need. I am happy, i don't need to waste my time on worrying or making a big fuss out of something i know won't help me. but sometimes, i just can't help it.

people pleaser.. ugh. i just know this would be over soon.. maybe i'm just not quite ready for the time that i'm mature enough and not think about things that would soon make me crazy. am i making any sense at all? no? not really?

scary.. the thought of going back to school scares me. haha.. kidding. i just don't want to go back yet.. not yet. i still need time. but i need to.. and i don't want to be a bum.. writing nonsense blog entries. haha..

i'm weird.. for real!

i am really tired of thinking and reviewing.. Lord, help me. i don't know what i feel. di ko alm kung maiinis ba ko or matutuwa. actually, masaya na ko eh. kuntento.. i am happy on what i have.. pero still, sympre sino ba namn ang tao na may hangganan ang gusto. i should be really nervous 'coz my botany and math grades aren't that good.. may possibility pang maulit ko ung subject na un. *Lord wag naman po sana..* Pero i'm happy 'coz of the people around me, because i'm here.. because that's my problem.. and that's not really big. i won't compare it to anyone's problem, but it isn't that bad. i have to got through this to be able to surpass whatever's going to be brought in the future. *tama yan ria.. be optimistic.. affirming one's self is good haha... baliw na ata tlga ko. oh well.. this is life. and we all have to live life.. with failures and triumphs.. with grief and sadness..

thanks na lng tlga to my friends.. you make me feel.. complete!

and to my family of course..

ma.. thank you!! i love you soooooooooo much!!

and for myself..  you're going to succeed once you put your heart, mind, body, soul and spirit in everything you do. just believe.. and pray!! and naman.. please do take care of urself.. you socially misaligned person!! hahahaha..

 

sembreak na!! yipee... konting tiis!!

I am sorry for all the people that I have hurt. I don’t get to tell you all how special you are to me for I don’t know how to show you how much I value all of you. I thank God that He continually gives me friends. I am not worthy of the love and attention that you all are giving and have given me. But you never left me. Even if I don’t get to talk to you during the time when you are down, or to be there when something’s bothering you but when I was in my desperate moments, you were all there. I don’t deserve to have all the friends I have. The friends that are mostly left with my shortcomings, they are the ones that I can count on. I never expected them, you for that matter> to be there, but they are. And I thank you. For all the things that you’ve done. For the advices and for the prayers when I really needed them, they were all helpful. I wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for all of you. For the happy moments and laughter that we have shared, I thank you. You give light to my world and you made a great impact in my life. I may not be expressive of it, but I am really blessed to have people like you. Thank You and may God shower you with all His blessings for you are such a wonderful person. J